From camille+@andrew.cmu.edu Mon Mar 15 16:41:54 1999 Date: Sun, 14 Mar 1999 16:48:59 -0500 (EST) From: Camille F Fournier To: Yishan Wong , Bulletin Board Administration Subject: Fwd: Well *I* Almost Wet Myself...=P ---------- Forwarded message begins here ---------- INTRODUCTION: During the early 70^Òs, the American entertainment medium saw the rise of two heavy themes in film, stage, and music. The first, labelled ^ÓThe Jesus Freak movement^Ô, was heralded by such theatrical hits as "Jesus Christ Superstar", "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" and "Godspell". The second theme was the kung-fu movie, distinguished particularly by the late Bruce Lee, who brought "Enter the Dragon", "Return of the Dragon", and many more enthusiastically-received movies with martial arts as the centerpoint. These two themes dominated a heavy share of the entertainment market for several years, but despite their mass-appeal, no one apparently approached the most likely, sure-fire guaranteed formula: a combination of the two genres. It is with great honor and privilege(?) that we now present a script utilizing the two acclaimed themes: a kung-fu biography of Jesus Christ, Savior of Mankind. Bull^Òs-Eye Productions, with a generous grant from the Rushdie Foundation, proudly(?) present: FISTS OF GOD (Or Shaolin Messiah, When You Coming Back?) (Director^Òs note: As per most marital-arts imports, the dialogue to this film is noticeably dubbed, and by actors who sound like they recently graduated from the Mel Blanc Institute of Public Speaking. The grammatical structure of the dialogue suggests an underpaid, overstressed translator with a dictionary and Berlitz manual for English, suffering from a glue-induced hangover. The sound effects involving aggressive physical contact (kicks, hits, slaps, etc.), sound powerful enough to split an elephant in half. All incidental music should either be lifted off of Nintendo^Òs latest home videogame, or the PA system at the Montgomery Ward^Òs Optometry Clinic.) Scene 1: A tavern somewhere in the Holy Land. The counter is populated with locals, and Roman soldiers. Two Romans sit together guzzling ale, exchanging raunchy tales of war and conquest. Suddenly, a cloaked figure emerges into the room, and sits alone at a table. The atmosphere is suddenly abuzz with hushed conversation. ROMAN 1: Hey, why all the talk? Why does this person cause such excitement? ROMAN 2: They say that he is the Son of God! To which I say, silly nonsense! ROMAN 1: Apparently he thinks himself too good to sit with us Romans. We shall teach him otherwise! ROMAN 2: (laughs) Ha ha ha! You are certainly right! (both approach the cloaked figure) So! We hear you are the Son of God! Not a very imposing figure, I am inclined to say. ROMAN 1: King of Kings? (looks side to side) I do not see your kingdom, your highness. And where is your crown of gold, hmmmm? CLOAKED FIGURE: My kingdom is with my father, and all are subjects within it. Seek him, and you shall find him. ROMAN 2: What, I must seek him? Is he hiding? Your father sounds like a craven coward! Ha ha ha ha!! ROMAN 1:Enough of this I say! Now to beat this so-called Son of God senseless!! (pushes over table, draws sword) INNKEEPER: No! No! Take it outside! I want no cruelty inside my humble establishment, for which I have worked so long for!! ROMAN 1: Shut up, old fool! You^Òve been drinking too much of your own filthy ale to think we Romans will let this rebel pursue his kingly charade! (punches innkeeper in stomach) INNKEEPER: Ooogh. CLOAKED FIGURE: NOW you have ANGERED me! (throws back cloak. Suddenly, an angelic chorus bursts onto the soundtrack, as golden rays of light shine upon the visage of Jesus Christ, the Messiah of Mankind. Assuming the praying-mantis stance, Jesus does a spinning side kick which sends both Romans flying across the room. The angelic chorus erupts into a syntho-funk melody performed by The Dreaded Umlaut Schwa, entitled, "Ninja Jesus", as the Messiah proceeds to kick, punch, and slap the two befuddled Romans about the counter, to the cheers of the tavern patrons: Not a son of a gun, nor a son of bitch, He^Òs the Son of God, and you know which Don^Òt get him mad, or you will pay His Fists of God call Judgment Day! chorus: Ninja Jesus, Ninja Jesus, Ninja Jesus How you be so bad? Ninja Jesus, Ninja Jesus, Ninja Jesus Dontcha make him mad Ninja Jesus, Ninja Jesus, Ninja Jesus NINJA JESUS (and I^Òm not crossin^Ò him for nothin!) Heal the blind, Heal the sick Ninja Jesus, he does the trick This Son of God be on your side Let^Òs all join him For one heavenly ride! Ninja Jesus, Ninja Jesus, Ninja Jesus He walks on water, just you see Ninja Jesus, Ninja Jesus, Ninja Jesus He does his thing oh so heavenly Ninja Jesus, Ninja Jesus, Ninja Jesus NINJA JESUS (and I^Òm not crossin^Ò him for nothin!) (Scene 2: Later, at the Centurion^Òs quarters. The two Romans from the previous scene are rubbing their bruises and moaning in pain. The Centurion looks on in disdain.) CENTURION: You mean to say some long-haired hermit did this to you? By Jupiter, I am ashamed! ROMAN 1: But your supremacy, you had to have seen this guy! He beat us up plenty. Those fists....those fists of God..... CENTURION:Silence! Or I^Òll have you both beaten like the sorry jackals you are! I will send for my courier and have a reward posted for this so-called "Son of God". ROMAN 2: Do not take him lightly, Centurion! He moves like the wind, and righteously so! (Scene 3: Jesus^Ò apartment. His disciples watch in amazement as the Son of God performs a training exercise upon a mannequin dressed like a Roman soldier). JESUS: Those two Romans in the tavern now have much to remember me by! Perhaps now they will treat old men with kindness, I think so now! JUDAS: Maybe you are right, my Saviour, but there will be more to follow! You may be the Son of God, but you are still outnumbered by the Roman Empire! (disciples laugh good-heartedly. With a well-aimed pincher punch, Jesus decapitates the mannequin. He takes the mannequin head and smiling, throws it towards Judas, who catches it startlingly.) JESUS: I say, you^Òre always "ahead" with God on your side! (laughs, there is a knock on the door). Say Fred, would you please get the door? FRED: Most certainly, my Savior. (looks through peephole). Oh no! It^Òs that Mary Magdalene, who is no doubt covered in the filthy sweat of sinful men! She is not of God, and unworthy, verily so! JESUS: Let he who has never sinned, cast the first stone! See? Who are you to judge another? I will accept her into my company, as I have accepted you into my heart. Be of good will, and wish her welcome! (opens door) Mary, harlot of the Holy Land! Welcome to our happy home! MARY: Thank you, Son of God. It^Òs so nice to see you are not as harsh in judgment as others may be. I come to warn you, Jesus, that the Romans are not happy with your presence. They have called upon one of their finest to best you in battle! JESUS: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!! Best me, Son of God? These Romans provide much merriment, I think so! JUDAS: Your warnings do not trouble us, harlot. The Son of God kicks serious Roman ass to high heaven! MARY: His name...is PONTIUS PILATE! (music shifts to dramatic chord, as Jesus^Ò smile deteriorates into surprise and scorn. Suddenly, we are thrown into a flashback which reflects Jesus^Ò childhood.) (FLASHBACK: Bethlehem, many years ago. Joseph and Mary are looking over a variety of expensive and precious gifts, as the baby Jesus lies in his crib. The stable is decorated with a Christmas tree, fake cattle, and flashing string lights). JOSEPH: Hey Mary, our son Jesus got some nice presents from those three kings, I see. MARY: Yes, gifts fit for a king indeed. And this stable is not so bad as I thought. BABY JESUS: (gurgle) JOSEPH: Yes, I most agree so! (Pontius Pilate enters) Hello! Are you here to see our son, the Messiah? He managed to be born on Christmas, so now we have two special occasions to celebrate! PONTIUS: I do not think so! My horse is tired, so therefore you must leave! MARY: We will not leave! This is the last available space at the Inn! JOSEPH: I^Òd rather fight than leave! Raise your fists and display your manliness! Coward! PONTIUS: With pleasure! (Pontius, with lightning fast speed, rains punches up and down Joseph^Òs face and torso, and with a donkey-kick, sends Joseph through the stable wall. Mary rises to her feet and attempts a hammer punch, but Pontius blocks it and hurls Mary over his head and through the wall as well. Chuckling, Pontius strolls over to Jesus^Ò crib and stares mockingly at the infant Messiah). So, "Messiah", looks like there^Òs a vacancy after all! Perhaps you think the day will come when you can exact your revenge upon me for beating up your parents, but I^Òll be ready for you. Ha ha ha ha ha! (Picks up baby, drop kicks Jesus through the roof. Continues laughing into fadeback). JESUS: I always swore I^Òd make him pay for that! (grimaces sternly) MARY: Jesus, you are quick and strong of hand and skill, but Pontius Pilate is most powerful too! (embraces Christ) Oh, Sonny! I don^Òt know what I^Òd do if something happened! JESUS: I will go and confront Pontius. He is indeed a mighty foe, but no one knows a kick like mine. Let^Òs go, disciples! (disciples and Mary all follow Jesus through the streets. Soon they come across a young distraught couple before a courtyard filled with grumbling people). HUSBAND: Oh, Ninja Jesus! We are so unhappy! JESUS: Tell me what is wrong, my children. There^Òs nothing Son of God can^Òt do! WIFE: It is our anniversary, and here we have invited all of our friends and relatives, yet the caterer has only delivered one basket of loaves and fish! How can we feed them all? JESUS: Ha ha! Oh, it is so easy! (sudden burst of smoke. When it clears, the table is filled with baskets, including several cheese logs and a butter sculpture of David). There! Now you may all feast upon such goodness! Ha ha. HUSBAND: Oh Ninja Jesus, you make us happy! But yet, we still have another problem that is so upsetting. Here the caterers were to bring us wine, but these casks are but filled with normal water! I say to you, what good is an anniversary without wine, huh? JESUS: Indeed, good couple. (a burst of light and smoke. When it clears, the casks of water are replaced with beer kegs. The crowd joyfully fills cup after cup of the wondrous brew). There! Now you have a refreshment more worthy of the celebration! Ha ha ha ha!! WIFE: Oh Jesus, you are the King of Kings, yet a true party animal! Praise be Jesus Christ, our Savior! CROWD: Hip hip hooray! Hip hip hooray!! (Suddenly, the party is broken up by a group of Romans.) ROMAN 3: Cease this noise! We are here to arrest the so-called Son of God! PARTIER: Hey, hands off the J-Meister! He^Òs a good guy! ROMAN 4: Silence! (punches out partier with spiralling mantis-punch) Jesus of Nazareth, come with us! JESUS: That^Òs Mr. Jesus, to you, sinner! Let^Òs see how you handle the Fists of God! (double-punches Roman, horse-kicks him into remaining Romans behind him). ROMAN 3: Attack!! (Several dozen Romans rush towards Jesus. In single file, they all attempt various kicks, throws, jabs, and sword thrusts, but Ninja Jesus counters each blow and with a single paralyzing kick or punch, sends every Roman across the yard or doubling over in agony. Suddenly, the last Roman appears. It is Pontius Pilate, who peers menacingly at Jesus. For a brief moment, Jesus looks startled, even afraid. The fear subsides into an expression of devout defiance). JESUS: So....it^Òs YOU. PONTIUS PILATE: I thought you looked familiar, "Son of God". How I^Òve waited for the day when you and I may clash again, to settle the score once and for all! JESUS: Then prepare to fight, bastardly dog! (Assumes crane stance) PONTIUS PILATE: However, that day has not come yet. (Nods to Judas, who unknown to Jesus, has crept up behind him. Before the fighting Saviour of Mankind can react, Judas drives a claw punch into the base of Jesus^Ò spine. Jesus grimaces and growls in pain). JESUS: Gggaaagghhhh!!! Who dares betray Ninja Jesus!? JUDAS: Ha ha ha ha ha! You are too trusting, Son of God! Little did you know that I, Judas, would be your sole betrayer! Now you are weak like a twisted brush in the desert! Ha ha ha ha!! MARY MAGDALENE: You-- you traitorous cur! How could you double-cross him? JUDAS: "Double-cross", eh? That gives me a wonderful idea. But enough of your talk, wench! (spins and applies rooster kick to Mary Magdalene, knocking her unconscious. Jesus, infuriated, attempts to regain his balance, but Pontius Pilate sends a whirling twister punch to Jesus^Ò neck, and the Son of God hits the ground, twitching.) PONTIUS PILATE: Ha ha! He is no stronger than when I kicked him from his cradle! Now let us go! Romans, do your duty! (Roman soldiers proceed to bully and shove partiers and disciples away. Two Romans carry the listless forms of Mary Magdalene and Jesus after Pontius Pilate.) Now...to the Palace of Death!! Scene 4: Early day, at the top of a high summit. A crowd has gathered to watch as Ninja Jesus is forced to march to the summit, carrying a heavy wooden cross. To mock his "kingliness" the Romans have forced him to wear a crown of thorns. Jesus carries his cross, flanked on both ends by Roman soldiers, who mercilessly taunt him and prod him with their spears. Near the summit, the Centurion stands beaming with arrogance. Upon seeing the Son of God approaching, he laughs cruelly). CENTURION:So, the Son of God is up and about this morning, yes? I think so, hmmm? Too bad you are not a Roman, or we might actually have mercy upon you! Where is your Father now, hmmmm, Son of God? A coward like you, we think! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!! JESUS: Oh, how unfortunate! I was ready to devastate the enemies of my Lord, but now I am beaten and prepared for crucifixon!! I am not happy at all, I suppose! MARY, JESUS^Ò MOM: Oh, my poor baby! It is every mother^Òs last wish to see her son nailed to a cross and scorned. JOSEPH, JESUS^Ò DAD: I almost feel like a second father to him. As a matter of fact, I am. Irony, I suppose. Yes, it is that I think! (The Romans prepare to nail Jesus to the cross. Weary yet resistant, Jesus looks about his captors with scorn. The crowd began to wail and cry, as the moment is at hand. The Centurion, sword in hand, approaches Jesus and pierces his side. Chuckling at his handiwork, the Centurion grasps Christ by the chin, forcing him to look into his eyes.) CENTURION: So, "Messiah". Any last words before we nail you up? Ha ha ha! JESUS: As a matter of fact, unholy rat, there is......(looks side to side at his captors, then to the saddened crowd about him).....Let it be known that the Son of God.....never......never.......NEVER..... CENTURION: Oh, what a long-winded fool you are! Out with it!! JESUS: ....never went out without a fight!!! Yaahhhh!!!! (Ninja Jesus removes his crown of thorns, and flings it like a throwing star into the Centurion^Òs forehead, blinding him. The Centurion cries out in pain, and dies. Taking advantage of everyone^Òs surprise, Christ grasps his crucifix, and in traditional pole-fighting fashion, uses it to systematically trip, slap, and whallop every surrounding Roman with machine-gun rapidity and devastation. On one Roman he alternately slaps both shorter ends of the crucifix against both sides of his face.) Turn the other cheek, I say! You can damage both that way! Ha ha ha!! ONLOOKER 1: Say, that Jesus is mighty fired up! You shouldn^Òt try to nail the King of Kings, huh? ONLOOKER 2: You might say, he is very angrily fighting with realistic hatred of 100 men! (Just as Jesus looks to be winning the battle, Pontius Pilate appears on the scene, and picking up a discarded spear, tosses it through the stomach of the Son of God, who again grimaces in pain). JESUS: Gaagguugh!! Oh, how can this be? No one defeats the Son of God!! PONTIUS PILATE: No one that is, except for Pontius Pilate! Silly Jesus, to think you can take us all on! Those nails will make you think twice. (With his bare fists and lightning action, Pontius drives several spikes into Jesus^Ò hands, feet, and one into his forehead. Jesus makes one last futile effort to rise off of the crucifix, whereupon Pontius gives a powerful head butt, knocking the Son of God unconscious. The crowd, formerly optimistic and cheering, gives a heartfelt sigh as Jesus is propped up on the crucifix, and dies). PONTIUS PILATE: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I really liked doing that!!